why we don't steal credit cards
by poisonlovely
Summary: /For the love of Fritz, why did she have to buy those stupid Hetalia units! They're too expensive and they're trying to molest innocent bystanders! Why? WHY! Rated T for intense bromance between a guy and girl. No, we're totally serious. BROMANCE./
1. France

**And because Ren doesn't know when to stop writing stories, especially self-inserts (Christ, that sounds so flipping wrong), here's another one. Yep, one of the Hetalia manual ones. Y'know, the ones by LolliDictator? Yeah. *falls over and cries at the fact that this is such a self-insert crack-fic that is screwed up in so many ways ***

**This one is going to be updated very randomly, but I have a feeling that all the chapters will be long.**

It was a normal Saturday morning in a normal summer in New York City. That is, if any day could actually be called normal. In a loft in the heart of the city that never sleeps, a young millionaire, a Buddhist vet, an aspiring writer and an anime/manga artist slept in peace.

The Upper West side of New York City, specifically had never seen such a pseudo-random quartet of people, especially seeing as they lived in a ludicrously high-priced flat with five (four queen-sized, one twin-sized) bedrooms, a living room, a full kitchen, two sparkling bathrooms[1], and the writer's equally ludicrously priced sound systems in each room.

...the author would like to blame the millionaire for this apartment.

They had all met in high school, and were now all living together, thanks to the millionaire's generosity.

How a twenty-one year old became a millionaire, you ask?

The invention of a machine that delivers delicious tasty snacks throughout the house via a remote and wires might have something to do with it, but you're free to think whatever you want.

At that very instant, rather unfortunately for the silence on the street, the writer decided to get up. This was emphasized by the sudden boom of bass, and electro sound of a certain band called Angelspit.

"_I OVERPLAY MY BONE STRUCTURE AND METABOLISM!"_ was the first screaming sound that woke up the rich neighbors like "Reveille" would to a soldier.

"TURN OFF THAT SHIT, WOMAN." was the response for aforementioned millionaire. Said artist and scientist slept through the noise, their earplugs blocking out all of the sound.

"_...SKINNY LITTLE BITCH... LALALALA, LALALALA!"_

"WARNING ONE UNTIL I'M EVICTING YO' ASS!"

The music then turned down drastically.

Allow me to introduce this pair.

Natalie "Nate" Beck was a twenty-one year old girl who was an aspiring writer. As was the style of many rebellious college students, she cut her hair to her shoulders, made it spiky and dyed various strands all the different colours of the rainbow. She had a bad habit of stealing her sister's credit card and using to buy the infamous sound system now installed in the house. Nate was currently studying English and chemistry. Her favourite colors were silver, black and blue, and she liked ink, pimp hats, poisons, boats and boots.

Her twin was the millionaire of the bunch, Charlotte "Char"- no wait, "Lottie" - Beck. She hated being called Char, and would hurt whoever called her such. Generally calmer than her twin, Lottie was the inventor of the group, locking herself into one of the two twin bedrooms to invent various new contraptions. Explosions, much to the scientist's delight, were heard often during the day. Her favourite color was purple. She liked metal, cooking, and technology.

**NOW IN NATE'S POINT OF VIEW, BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THIRD PERSON WORTH CRAP**

Moving back to the house, I was currently doing my pout of doom. I _hated_ it when I couldn't play my music loudly and was threatened with eviction.

"Don't pout at me like that, or I might not cook you pancakes." my sister said, running a hand through her messy brown hair. The inventor was dressed in a black tank top and a pair of very purple pajama pants.

"But- but!"

"No buts. Do you want pancakes or not?"

"...jeez, so mean so early."

"Good girl, you get pancakes," Lottie smirked. "Now go wake up Mae and Tanya."

"Why do I have to?"

"Because I'm a motherfucking millionaire."

"...you are an ass." [2]

But because Charlotte Beck was, indeed, a millionaire, I went first to the artist's room to wake her up.

Tanya Eastman was the resident starving artist. Not being able to afford her own ludicrously-priced apartment, she had blackmailed- I mean, politely asked the millionaire and her sister if she could live with them. She drew lovely pieces of art involving lots of gore and mechas. Tanya studied art at a nearby college. Her favourite color was also purple, and she loved cats, video games and anything particularly artsy.

"Yo, Miss Artist Bitch! Get yo' ass out here, Lottie's making pancakes." I yelled, opening the door and narrowly avoiding a pencil being chucked at me.

"I WANT ANOTHER HOUR OF SLEEP- ooh, pancakes!" Tanya grinned, dragging herself from her desk to go hug me.

I tentatively hugged back, trying to ignore the fact that the other's face was mashed against my stomach.

"...what the heck is going on here...?" the final member of the Trio of Four asked, rubbing her eyes and staring awkwardly.

"M' hugging Natie-Nate." was the muffled reply.

"... okay, then." the short scientist turned away to get some pancakes.

Mae Schultz was exceedingly proud of her German heritage, and was currently studying bombs in her science courses. A slight pyromaniac, she wasn't one to swear, and was often nearly painfully naive about a few subjects that Nate loved to joke about, and didn't understand sarcasm. Her favourite color was black, and she loved classical music, fireworks, explosions, and art.

A few long minutes later, I managed to extricate herself from my friend, who had fallen asleep after claiming that "Nate's stomach was squishy like kitties~!". Straightening my artsy white-trimmed black button-up shirt with the wrist buttons undone, I sashayed back to the kitchen, jumping up onto the counter to enjoy my pancakes.

"Nate! Get into the dining room, now!" Lottie yelled.

I sighed, dragging myself off of the counter, and into the immaculate dining room. Lottie was sitting at the head of the table, Mae already scarfing down a pancake. The twenty-one year old dragged a chair out, and proceeded to drown my fluffy chocolate-chip pancakes in maple syrup.

"Na-ate! That maple syrup is really expensive-"

"Says the person who bought this ludicrously-priced flat." I dead-panned.

"...shut up."

"Heh."

"Evic~tion!" sang the purple-lover.

"...bitch..." I muttered, putting my head down and eating my pancakes.

"Where is Tanya?" Mae asked, using a napkin to wipe the maple syrup from her mouth.

"She fell asleep again. Ah well, more pancakes for us~" I said, grinning, taking another pancake.

The millionaire sighed, getting up slowly and stretching,"I'll get her. These are gluten free, and you know how she'll get if we don't give her pancakes."

I laughed at the grumpy look that Lottie had. _Ah, blackmail is priceless, indeed._

There was only two pancakes left from the formidable stack that Lottie had made about fifteen minutes before, and the maple syrup was dwindling as a cry of panic echoed across the flat and Lottie returned, physically dragging Tanya in her desk chair to the table.

Lottie had a couple of already forming bruises on her arms where Tanya had karate-chopped her in an attempt to be free, and was scowling slightly.

"Well, I'm going to work at the pizza place today." she informed us. "Seeing as all of you are being mean."

"What did I do?" Mae complained.

"You existed!"

"...huh?"

Lottie facepalmed and then grabbed her coat, going off to get a taxi to get to her part-time workplace. Being a millionaire had it's perks.

"So... whatcha gonna do, today?" Tanya asked us, taking a bite of the yummy pancakes. _I hope you all decide to pay homage to me..._

"I'm off to the science lab. We get to play with C4 today~" Mae giggled, getting a dreamy look in her eyes. Tanya and I edged away from her, rather freaked out.

"...I was just going to stay home..." I muttered shadily, eyes darting back and forth as I hid Lottie's credit card in my pocket.

"What's that that you're holding?" Tanya asked, staring at my failed attempts to be a smooth secret agent.

"...a pen."

"Are you sure? That looks more like Lottie's credit card to me."

More sketchy eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Mmhmm. Riiiight."

"Hold it, you actually believe her?" Mae asked.

"No. Sarcasm."

"...I hate sarcasm." the scientist muttered, looking slightly emo.

"But it has "asm" on the end! Anyone else know any good words that end with "asm"? Hehehe~" I snickered.

There was silence for a few seconds as Tanya tried to hold in her own snickers.

And then-

"OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING."

"Quite the contrary, m'dear." I laughed, pulling out a remote to Lottie's invention (which she would grudgingly admit was rather ingenious) and pressing the number four. A little plastic container came floating down a wire, a bag of Skittles inside.

"Really? Skittles at seven fifteen in the morning?" Tanya asked, grinning slightly.

"_Skittles at seven fifteen in the morning_..." I imitated my friend's voice badly. "How 'bout video games at seven fifteen in the morning?"

"But video games are educational!"

"...touche, ma cherie."

"Stop speaking in French!"

"Well, I'm just going to go to the lab, now." Mae muttered, getting up and leaving.

After a few more minutes of light-hearted bantering (and an impromptu noogie that sent me flying onto the floor, pouting like a small child), Tanya lazily got up to go draw and pet her cat.

As soon as my best friend was out of sight, I dashed to the computer and entered in an URL.

The Flying Mint Bunny website swiftly opened up, and I started typing in my information.

"Hurm... name... Natalie Beck... address... 170 Riverside Drive... credit card number..." I smirked a little, felt guilty for stealing my sister's credit card, and then entered in the credit card number. _Eh, I feel like such a bad person, doing this! Ah well, Lottie'll beat me up anyways, even if I asked her for her card. I've done it before... damn, now I feel guiltier._

The screen blinked as I clicked enter, and then the logo appeared. Under it was the cheery message,"Thank you for your purchase! Your first model will be sent to you tomorrow at 7:30!"

There was then some Viagra ads, so I X'd out the box in disgust.

The next day, the morning was very similar to the morning before (minus the credit-card stealing and moral battle questioning) and at eight o'clock, the house was booming with overly loud music (this time, Porcelain and the Tramps).

Ring.

The doorbell rang, and I casually got up, ready to yell at the hapless neighbor who was no doubt going to try and make me turn my music down. I opened the door, scowl at the ready, and instead one of my neighbors, I saw a man in a mint green suit, looking rather uncomfortable.

"Hi?" I said absently, staring at him. There was a giant box behind the man, and he was holding a clipboard.

"Oh, hello. You must be, er, Natalie Beck. Are you by any chance related to Charlotte Beck?" the man asked.

"Yeah, she's my sister. What're you doing here?"

"Tell her I thought her invention was-"

"Ingenious, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what everybody says. Is there anything else you need?" I said impatiently, tapping my foot.

"No need to be rude..." the man muttered. I sighed.

"Weeeeeell?" I dragged out the word. I was an impatient person. Don't look at me like that, Reader!

"Your order from the Flying Mint Bunny Corp. came in today. You got a good one." he said, smirking slightly, handing me a clipboard so I can sign for the box.

"Thanks, man. Now get off my- I mean, my sister's- property." I snapped, dragging the box in and closing the door.

The man stood in front of the door for a few seconds more, and then left, shaking his head and muttering a few insults.

"What's that?" Tanya asked, coming downstairs as I turned off the music.

"It's my order from the Flying Mint Bunny company!" I said, grinning.

"That's legit! Now open it!" she laughed, bouncing slightly.

I opened the manual, noting it's title.

"**FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **_You are now the proud owner of your very own FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit! Please take this time to remember the waiver you signed upon ordering this unit: we, the makers of this manual, are not to be held responsible for any bodily or emotional harm your new unit subjects you to. For your personal safety, we have enclosed this manual, and suggest you read it to avoid any unwanted contact with your unit."_

"Sweet! We got a Francis one!" I squealed happily.

"Shit. He goes around molesting people, though!" Tanya sighed. I glared at her.

"But that's just why we love him."

Continuing with the manual, I went through the specifications of Francis Bonnefois and finally read how one was supposed to open the box with the Frenchman inside of it.

"_**Removal of your FRANCIS BONNEFOIS from Packaging:**_

_FRANCIS BONNEFOIS is one of our milder, more cultured units, which means that he is less likely to hulk smash you if you wake him up improperly. However, there is still the danger of him acting violently passionate if you wake him up improperly. If you would like to keep your virtue for a little longer, here are some easy ways to wake your unit up without damage to your reproductive organs._"

Tanya and I snickered for a few moments at the idea of France hulk-smashing anyone.

"Oh my God, that would be freaking priceless..." Tanya laughed.

"FRANCE... SMASH!" I said in a cheesy French accent, sending both of us into hysterics.

"R-right... reading..." Tanya finally managed to get out, still giggling sporadically.

"_1. Play 'La Marseillaise'. If you speak French, sing it yourself. Francis will start cheering and singing along - while he's distracted, reprogram him._

_2. Cook French food. Make sure you cook it well, or he will throw the platter on the floor and accuse you of giving him shit, although you'll have the chance to reprogram him either way._

_3. Play Johnny Hallyday. Francis will respond positively, although he might have a tendency to start dancing. And if you're really unlucky, he'll drag you along. If you don't have Johnny Hallyday, play Edith Piaf. And if you don't have Edith Piaf or Johnny Hallyday, Yelle will do. Warning if you do play Yelle: Francis may start dancing Techtonic, and you might want to avoid having elbows in your face._

_Play a porno, loudly (but not loud enough to scar the neighbors). Francis will burst out of his box and start watching it, and you can program him while he's busy fapping. Warning: this move is recommended only for people who can move extremely fast, because if you're not able to reprogram him enough you might end up losing your virtue after all_."

"I say we go with number four!" I yelled, already going onto the computer. Tanya's eye twitched and she dragged me away from the computer, much to my perverted distress.

"Bad idea, Nate. You're not known for your speed." she pointed at the second sentence in the option.

"Damn." I made a nasty face, but acquiesced.

"Um... let's see... Lottie is the one who cooks, which throws out number two... I don't think the neighbors will like us screaming the French anthem out-of-tune, and besides, Francis will prolly try and shank us if we sing it wrong, seeing as I speak Spanish, not French..."

"That leaves option three, and I have Yelle on my iPod!" I yelled.

Tanya winced,"Ow... I think all of that loud music has killed your ears. You've been yelling a lot."

"Yeah, yeah. Screw you, too."

"No need to be mean, like you were to that rep from the Flying Mint Bunny!" Tanya sighed.

"He was wearing a mint green suit! That's perfectly fair grounds to be mean to people!"

"Whatever. Just play the music."

The familiar techtonic sounds of Yelle reverberated in the flat, and the French singer started singing. Nothing happened.

I started worrying about the accuracy of the manual until the chorus started.

The box practically exploded in a shower of wood chips as a perverted Frenchman jumped out and dragged us to dance with him as he sung along loudly,"_Je veux te voir dans un film pornographique~"_

I, possibly being just as pervy as Francis on my good days, danced happily to the dirty French song, but Tanya screamed and desperately dragged herself AWAY from us and turned off the music.

"Aw, Tanya! That was just getting to the good part!" I complained.

Francis then hugged me rather inappropriately,"Bonjour, ma cherie~ Comment t'appelle tu?"

I deliberated for a couple of seconds and decided it was probably best to get him off of me and THEN answer his question, unless I wanted my virginity to be lost. I shrugged out of his embrace, ignoring his depressed pout and went to stand next to Tanya, who looked confused.

"...ma cherie? Parles-tu Francais?" he looked stricken at the idea that I didn't understand him, and started going into depression.

"Oui, Francis, je parle Francais." I sighed.

"Excellente! Alors, comment t'appelle tu? Une belle femme doit avoir un bel nom~"

"Merci beaucoup, mais pouvons-nous parler en Anglais? Ma amie ne parle pas Francais."

"Of course!" he beamed. "Your pronunciation is lovely, ma cherie~"

I blinked a few times as he tried to flirt with me,"...thanks. I am Natalie Beck, but please call me Nate, and this is Tanya Eastman."

"What were you two saying?" Tanya questioned. "...goddamn Frenchies..."

Francis ignored the slur and continued smiling,"Salut, ma cherie~ I am Francis Bonnefois~ I asked your lovely friend what her name was and if she spoke French, which she does, and then she asked me if we could speak en Anglais, because you do not speak French, which is tres horrible!"

"..." Tanya stared blankly at the flamboyant Frenchman as I flipped through the manual.

A section of the manual caught my eye:

"_Overprotective Big Brother_ is just that: instead of groping you, he'll hug you in a completely innocent matter and be whatever you need him to be for you, even if you need him to go beat up the 6'5 bastard down the street who stole your wallet. (FRANCIS BONNEFOIS can be startlingly strong when he needs to be.) To get him into this mode, simply cry in front of him or complain about your shitty love life (or cry in front of him about your shitty love life). Your unit will give you great advice on what to do."

A lightbulb clicked in my head. _Aha!_

Remembering the agony of the last time we didn't have Nutella in the fridge, I brought tears to my eyes and sniffed.

Out of the corner of my teary eyes, I saw Tanya giving me a hilarious WTF look of massive proportions, and then Francis turned his head and saw me fake-crying.

BAM! Insta-change.

"Ma cherie, don't cry! It will be all right!" he instantly went into the _Overprotective Big Brother _mode just as the manual described, hugging me completely platonically.

I was dragged onto a comfy chair in the kitchen as he then proceeded to start cooking comfort food.

I blinked a few times, and then sat back to enjoy it.

**(whatisthisidon'teven) And that's the beginning of this... story... yeah...**

**Review. It will make this story better. : )**


	2. Little Ivan

**Thank you, Death Before Darkness and Katarina Wolffe, for reviewing! **

**Music for Intense Inspiration:**

_I think about you _

_Can't dream without you _

_I always want more _

_Trance to the dance tune _

_under a full moon _

_And a reason to... _

_-"_Sugar Cube", Porcelain and the Tramps

We've left off with my dear new older brother, Francis Bonnefois, deciding that it would be great to cook me food in order to comfort me. Seeing as I am a foodie, this was a pretty good development.

"Oh, by the way, Francis, Tanya here has Celiac's disease... d'you think you can make something that doesn't have gluten?"

"Sans glutenine? Oui, je peux." he murmured, already mixing something that looked like batter to my oh-so-knowledgeable eye.

"Merci beaucoup~" I smiled, putting my feet up and lounging on the couch. Tanya promptly pushed my feet off her lap and death glared me. I meeped and pulled my legs to my stomach in an upright fetal position.

"Mesdemoiselles, voila!" the blonde Frenchman grinned, elaborately whipping a fancy cloth napkin that I didn't even know we owned (despite being so rich, Lottie was an incredible penny-pincher to all of us, minus the ludicrously-priced house) off of a tray of...

"Crepes..." Tanya and I both breathed, stars floating around our heads and hearts in our eyes as we took in the lovely sight of the gluten free crepes.

"Honhonhon~" he smiled indulgently as I reverently spread Nutella on the feather-light surface and rolled it up, taking a little bite of heaven.

After passing out for a few minutes in pure dietary bliss, I pointed at Francis swiftly,"Vous devenez mon cuisine."

"Merci beaucoup, ma petit Nate! It is my pleasure to cook for two beautiful ladies~"

Tanya was too busy eating her crepe, so she just waved at the Frenchman desperately. He seemed to get the message, and just smiled.

"Wow, Francis, you're actually really awesome when you're not trying to molest me or people in general." Tanya said, delicately wiping her finger off a few moments later.

"...thank you?" he said, tilting his head slightly. I snickered.

"Anyways, how are we going to tell Mae and Lottie that we have a Frenchman in our house? Lottie's gonna be pissed that you bought him, and Mae is going to generally flip because he's eventually going to try to molest her-"

Francis' cries of dramatic pain were cut out by my snickers,"We'll just get another unit."

"And risk Lottie getting even more pissed at us?" Tanya said, blinking wide brown eyes at us. I scowled, my plan temporarily foiled.

"But I wanted to have an entire house full of them!"

"...you totally will rape them all, woman. We both know it."

Francis subtly inched back slightly as I death-glared my best friend, not being able to deny what I knew to be the truth.

...hey. Don't judge me. Would YOU be able to restrain yourself in an entire house of incredibly hot guys? Eh? EH?

"Stop breaking the fourth wall! YES, THIS IS MY CAMEO!" Reno from Final Fantasy VII yelled, running past in naught but a leopard print thong.

I screamed and hid under the couch.

It took promises of at least eight more crepes from Francis, two Snickers bars, and a threat of ruining my surround sound system with Justin Bieber if I didn't get out from under the couch to actually get my head poking out from under the couch again, rather like a turtle. Francis was sympathetic, patting my head occasionally and letting me eat my crepes in peace.

"I don't see what your issue was." Tanya snickered, looking to see if Reno had fully disappeared yet.

"L-l-leopard print..." I shivered, cramming an entire crepe into my mouth.

"Right, then."

"So, mes cheries, who are these other people you speak of? Euh, Lottie and Mae, I believe?" Francis asked, successfully changing the subject.

"Yes, that's right." I pulled myself out from under the couch, dusting myself off, and then plopped myself next to him on the couch, leaning back slightly. "Charlotte Beck, and Mae Schultz. Lottie's my twin, and she's the one who pays for... this..." I gestured around vaguely, waving my hands.

"Mae is the oldest one of us, and she's a bit of a pyromaniac. Don't flirt with her, because she won't get it, or she will try and shank you. Don't tell her that she's short, either." Tanya ignored my protests as she stole my thunder heartlessly.

"...take my lightning, too..." I muttered under my breath, sliding a slice of plain crepe into a puddle of Nutella that still lay on my plate.

"Eh?" both the Frenchie and the so-called best friend asked, staring at me oddly. I just pouted. Francis hugged me (again, happily completely platonically) (whoa, that was a lot of adverbs) and then got up, stretching slightly. I shamelessly ogled the muscle that was shown, ignoring the nudge of the elbow Tanya sent into my ribs.

"Quoi?" he asked rather cluelessly for such a pervert as I was elbowed rather harshly again.

"Nothing~" we sang harmoniously, before I quickly rapped my knuckles twice on the tray.

"Jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Tanya scoffed before crossing her arms and giving me the silent treatment.

"..." the blonde stared at our rather childish antics blankly before going to clean up the kitchen meticulously.

"So, how are we going to break the news to Lottie that we bought Francis?" Tanya asked bluntly.

"...er... honestly, I haven't thought that far ahead, yet..." I sighed, mussing up my hair in thought.

"Oh dear... that's not good... well, I suppose we could hide him in the spare room or something..." the brunette said, petting her cat that randomly appeared on the couch next to her. Maybe I chased or scared it out from under the couch? I dunno.

"What spare room? Unless there's been a section of rooms that Lottie bought that I haven't seen yet, we have no spare rooms!" I said, giving her a weird look.

"...Nate, we own this entire floor of the flat. That's all of the rooms."

"...that means we have six rooms, right?"

"Sweetheart, count again."

I counted on my fingers,"My room, Lottie's two rooms, your room, and Amber's room, two bathrooms, the living room, the dining room and the kitchen."

"We also have four smaller spare rooms on the next floor."

"...WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS?"

"Must have slipped our minds..." Tanya laughed, getting up to go help out Francis.

At promptly 5 o'clock PM, my sister walked in through the door. Tanya had Francis locked up in one of the spare rooms, so I could break the news to her before he came out in all of his flirty, flamboyant, French glory.

Damn, glory isn't alliterative... er... fame. Flirty, flamboyant, French fame.

"LOTTIE! I love you so much and want you to know that you are the most amazing person ever!"

"All right, who's dying?" my sister said, taking off her purple flats.

"Eh?" I asked, giving her my best "WTF" face.

"You just complimented me a lot for absolutely no reason AND told me that you loved me. Obviously, someone must be dead or dying." Lottie said patiently, as if I were a particularly slow young child in school and she was explaining math to me.

"No! Nonono! It's just-"

"Bonjour, ma belle femme~" Francis swooped past me to press a gentle kiss to my twin's knuckles.

I stared, wide-eyed, as she blushed. As in, _blushed_ bright red. Maybe she wouldn't kill me after all...

"Nate, why the hell did you not tell me you bought Francis Bonnefois with MY credit card?" she screamed at me ten minutes later, after at least two groping incidents and beating up of a poor not-so-innocent Frenchman. I had managed to pretend to cry again, sending him spiraling back to the more brotherly mode in which he meekly went back to Tanya, who was being smart and hiding in her room with Francis. No, not in that way.

"I'm sorry! I just wanted someone to talk to-" I whimpered, trying to pull the pity card as I threw her credit card back at her.

"YOU HAVE OUR NEIGHBORS AND TANYA AND EVERYONE IN FUCKING NEW YORK CITY TO TALK TO-"

"But he makes such good food-"

"AND I DON'T? MY FOOD IS DAMN GOOD, AND YOU CAN COOK INCREDIBLY WELL, TOO-"

"Lottiiiiie! I'm sorry!"

"...good." the brunette college student walked away.

I relaxed.

"...but he better make damn good crepes." she threatened from afar, and I knew that all would be well in our little household of misfits.

The next morning was a lovely one, despite it being a Monday. None of our alarms went off too early or too late, and we were ready to work through the day.

At three o'clock, the doorbell rang. Mae looked up, distracted from her writings of various formulae and images of explosions with chibi body parts flying every which way.

"Nate, go get the door." she said. Francis and her had gotten along fairly well, seeing as he was slightly depressed and still in his brotherly mode.

I sighed, opening the door, to see the same man in the same mint green suit.

"Dude, is that the same tie?" I mocked softly, leaning on the doorway.

"Shut up." he snapped, giving me an icy look.

I arched an eyebrow,"Wow, you suck at being a salesman. Rough night?" I asked as I signed for the giant box.

"Yes, actually." he sighed, taking the clipboard back. "My girlfriend broke up with me."

"That sucks, but maybe you'll get a new one."

"Gee, thanks-"

"If you don't wear that suit." I snickered, hauling in the box and slamming the door closed.

I heard a lot of swearing and grinned at my evil cruelty before lugging the box with much effort to the living room.

"What the heck is that?" Mae asked, staring at me oddly.

"It's my next model from the Flying Mint Bunny Express!" I yelled in delight, going to my iPod to play Porcelain and the Tramps again.

She sighed, rubbing her temples, but knelt next to the box, undoing the manual.

"...Ivan Braginski: User Guide?" she asked. "Isn't that a character from Hetalia?"

"...Oh my Flipping Jashin, we got RUSSIA." I squealed.

Sure enough:

"_**IVAN BRAGINSKI: User Guide and Manual**_

_**CONGRATULATIONS! **__You have just purchased your very own IVAN BRAGINSKI unit! This manual was made in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised to read this before trying anything as mistreatment of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit will prove extremely lethal."_

"Aw! We have Russia!" Mae squealed, slightly less high-pitched than myself.

"Hmm..." I scanned through the first few pages of the manual quickly, and deduced that the safest way to wake Russia up would be option number one, or:

_Stand next to the box and yell, "Брат!" at the top of your lungs. You will hear sobbing coming from the box, and you can now unlock/unchain it and open it to let a frightened IVAN BRAGINSKI out. He will react warmly once he realizes that you are not a NATALYA ARLOVSKAYA unit."_

Sighing, I gave the manual to Mae, and summoned up the chilling tones of Russian, but still somehow managed to keep my voice warm," Брат! Wake up!"

There was a quiet creak as the box opened, and inside of the box...

Was a positively adorable little blonde boy rubbing his eyes, clad in a overcoat, a long scarf and a dark-colored ushanka.

I blinked a few times until that positively adorable child smiled at me and proceeded to glomp my legs,"Mama!"

As I practically died from the pure amount of cuteness in the small Russian's embrace around my knees, Mae yelped, skidded away from Ivan, and started flipping through the manual desperately to find the solution to why there was a toddler in the box instead of a full-grown rather scary Russian.

"AHA!"

"_Problem: Instead of a tall, scary Russian man, you received a toddler wearing an overcoat and a dark-colored ushanka._

_Solution: We sent you a LITTLE!RUSSIA unit on accident. This version of the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit is cute, cuddly, and will not kill you as soon as hug you. He is rather trembly, though, and hates the cold; giving him sunflowers, or painting his bedroom yellow, will make him adore you. LITTLE!RUSSIA is much more tolerated by the YAO WANG unit, more liked by the TORIS LORINAITIS and ALFRED F. JONES units, but bullied into next year by GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If, for whatever reason, you would prefer a fully grown IVAN BRAGINSKI, then you can call Customer Services and we will take back the LITTLE!RUSSIA."_

"Okay! We have Little!Russia!" she called from a safe distance.

I gave her my best "Well, duh!" look,"No, really."

"Mama!" the cry seriously made my heart melt into a puddle of Russia-cuteness-induced goo.

"Aw, are you hungry, Ivan?" I asked, smiling sunnily at the little kid.

"I'm hungry, mama."

I turned the full power of my "OMG OMG OMG HE'S SO CUUUUUUTE!11!one! CAN WE KEEP HIM?" look onto Mae. She gave in, nodding tiredly.

"YAY!" I scooped Ivan up and twirled him around. He giggled happily.

"Mama, is this also my mama?" he asked cutely, violet eyes wide as he stared at Mae. The scientist edged away, looking rather freaked out.

"...sorta. She's gonna be your aunt! Your papa will be-"

"Salut- MON DIEU!" Francis screeched, jumping backwards at least eight feet. "I-is that I-ivan?"

"...Mama, how does he know me?" the little Russian hid behind me. I glared at Francis for scaring my child- no, wait-

DAMN YOU, MATERNAL INSTINCTS. YOU FAIL.

"Mama? Ma cherie, that is rather cute." Francis chuckled, winking at me flirtaciously.

I then had a genius plan.

"This is your papa, Ivan!"

"I have a _nana_?" Ivan asked, peeping out from behind my legs.

"Francis, meet your son!"

**...ehehehehe~**


	3. Prussia

**So... there isn't much love (that means reviews. : ) ) for this. **

**SO I CHANGED THE SUMMARY. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**It's my evil plan to make people read this! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! LOL! ROFL! ROFLMAO! ROFLMAOASFPW W;!~!~!**

**And so on.**

**...yeah. Enjoy~**

**Music for Intense Inspiration: "Einsamkeit", Prussia and Germany Duet.**

Francis stared blankly at me.

Russia continued smiling cutely.

I grinned happily.

"M-mon... fils?" the Frenchman stammered out, looking stunned.

"Oui, ton fils~" I snickered. "Ivan, go hug your papa."

"Euh-"

The friggin' adorable Russian child toddled over to the Frenchman, and hugged him around his knees.

It took all of my concentrated willpower to not whip out Lottie's camera, take pictures, and start squealing like a fangirl at the pure, innocent cuteness (read: KAWAII DESU!) that radiated from the tiny Russia.

"Da~"

Despite himself, Francis smiled at the little blonde, scooping him up and hugging him.

"Papa's tall!"

I had to turn away to wipe tears of joy out of my eyes. My little boy was so cute with his father~

Mae snorted and walked away.

"Ma cherie, because we have a son, does this mean we get to sample the joys of l'amour together~?"

"Hahahahano. Now go make me a sammich."

"...so cold, mon lapin..." he cried, but followed my orders, going into the kitchen to make me what was going to be an undoubtably delicious sandwich.

...of course, I ended up sharing three quarters of it with a starving Russian toddler, but tomato tohmahto, as Romano would say.

...get that, right there? Tomatoes, Romano? Harharhar.

Seeing as Mae was probably playing with explosives, as the quiet booms from her room suggested, Francis made himself a sandwich and sat down at the table with us. Ivan was happily nomming on his section of _le sandwich a la tomate et au fromage _and I was watching him affectionately, occasionally petting his hair.

His hair was really soft.

"So, ma cherie, what shall we do about Ivan?" he asked, resting his head on his hands after he put away his own dishes, waiting to put ours into the dishwasher.

"Hmm? We can teach him what he needs to know at home, and Lottie can enroll him into primary school when needed." I said. Yup, there were definitely benefits of Lottie's money. Any other college student would have an incredible amount of trouble with schooling a child.

"C'est bien, but what shall we do now?"

"Um... we'll just have a normal life, I guess." I deadpanned, absently petting Ivan's hair some more.

"Mama, I'm tired." the little boy murmured. Now that I thought about his, his eyes did look rather heavy, and he was leaning on me heavily.

"How late is it, anyway?" I looked at the clock and winced. It was already past six o'clock. Seeing as Ivan was still very young, I should probably put him to bed.

France seemed to agree with me,"Mets l'enfant au lit. I'll clean up the dishes."

"Merci." I murmured, scooping Russia up and carrying him to my room. "Ivan? Do you wet the bed?" I asked gently.

"Nyet... not unless I've had a really scary nightmare..." he yawned, bleary violet eyes closing.

"You'll be safe in here, and I'll come up soon. Okay?"

"Okay, mama!"

I cooed quietly at the pure cuteness, and then kissed his forehead. It was kinda weird, seeing as I never really saw myself as a mother figure, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

_...bloody maternal instincts... damn youuuu..._

I made my way back downstairs, narrowly avoiding a banana peel that Tanya had probably left there just for shits and giggles, and plopped myself down on the couch right next to Francis with a sigh.

He snickered at my face as I squirmed around, pulled the remote out from under me, and then settled down again. "Ma cherie, est-ce que il est quelque chose que tu veux regarder?"

"Non... you can watch whatever you'd like..." I yawned. It was still depressingly early for me to be tired, but I found myself curling up on the couch, head leaning on the arm of the sofa as the TV droned and the occasional boom from Mae's room sent me to sleep.

_Hmmphr... sorry, Ivan... too tired to move..._

I woke up in my room and internally thanked Francis for moving me.

Yawning, I changed into a pair of shorts and a red tank top before ambling downstairs, a strand of dyed-blue hair hanging in my face. The day was already promising to be devastatingly hot.

"Morning, sis." Lottie said. She looked like she was in a chipper mood as she let the bacon sizzle in the pan.

I yawned again, nodding at her before disappearing into the dining room.

"Naaaate! You're awake!" Tanya screamed. "Francis said you fell asleep ridiculously early, so I thought you were either dead or would sleep for another day! AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU MOTHERED A CHILD?"

"Mama!" Ivan slide-tackled my legs, sending me stumbling back a few feet, but I miraculously kept my balance. The six-year-old had me smiling. I swung him up, grinning brightly.

"Privyet, Ivan!"

I suddenly felt warm arms slip around my waist, and a suave French voice murmur a good morning in my ear.

"F-france...? Que fais-tu...?"

The Frenchman snickered at my WTF-ness, his chin on my shoulder,"Honhonhon~"

"NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILD!" Lottie yelled, making Ivan squeak and hide his face in my neck. France sighed and let go, but not before licking my ear and making me run away to hide behind Mae.

"Great, now you freaked out Nate." she sighed.

"No, I'm just trying to protect the innocence of my child's eyes!"

"Hold on... your child?"

"DAMMIT. I DID IT AGAIN."

"LANGUAGE!" Lottie scolded, smacking me upside the head as she passed out plates.

"VIOLENCE!" I imitated her.

"What? No one will corrupt my nephew!"

"...why does no one tell me that they have children...?" Tanya muttered, inhaling a muffin as soon as it was passed to her.

"Hey, we should get our next unit today!" I realized with a grin.

"...how much of MY money did you spend?" Lottie growled.

"Hey, stoppit, you're scaring Ivan. Francis, can you- thanks." I passed off the little Russian to Francis, who proceeded to bounce him up and down and hug him.

Whoa. France was good with kids.

I took some bacon and a bagel, slathering cream cheese on the bagel and then placing the bacon on it. "Mmm..." I moaned softly, enjoying the taste just a little too much.

"Ohonhonhon~ "

"OH COME ON. I WAS JUST EATING A BAGEL."

"I don't get it." Mae said, staring at us oddly. Tanya facepalmed and started to explain it to her.

"Answer the question, woman!"

"...it was a buy two get as many others as you want free clearance event, okay?" I snapped, taking another bite of my bagel. My eyes rolled up in bliss. _Mmm... bacon cream cheese bagel..._

"So how much did Russia and France cost?" she demanded.

"It's Ivan and Francis." I corrected her with a snarky hand wave.

"Fine, Ivan and Francis! How much did they cost?"

"Er..." I wildly tried to think of an answer that seemed reasonable for what I was buying and cheap enough that Lottie wouldn't kill me in front of my child and his father.

Dammit, I did it yet again!

"OH MY GOD THAT'S GROSS! EW! SHE WAS JUST EATING A BAGEL! YOU'RE ALL SUCH PERVS!"

"Dang straight, love." I snickered, censoring myself as to spare my so- IVAN'S - ears.

Lottie sighed, realizing she was never going to get a straight answer from me.

Of course, there was yet another knock on the door.

I bounced out of my seat, grinning hyperly and opened our door,"Helloooo~"

The man in the mint green suit gave me an odd stare.

"Hey, you changed your tie, love! How's your relationship going?" I chirped, accepting the clipboard and signing quickly.

He nodded hesitantly at me, taking the clipboard back,"It's fine. We've gotten back together."

"I do like your tie, though. Purple looks lovely~" I said.

"Thank you. Well, Miss Beck, you got two units today. I almost feel a little bad for you, seeing as you have another unit of their... trio."

I took a quick look inside to make sure no one was looking at me, and then leaned in, squealing softly,"We got the Bad Touch Trio?"

"Yes." he smiled slightly.

"That's awesome!"

"Whatever you think of as awesome, seeing as you do have Prussia."

"Thanks, dude!"

It was his turn to close the door, as he nodded at me, straightening his purple tie with swirls and moving off. It looked like our relationship was taking a turn for the better.

"Hey, Francis!"

"Oui?" he answered, poking his head out from the dining room.

"Can you help me with these boxes? We have more for our family!"

"Really? Who is it?"

"Oh, just Antonio and Gilbert."

"Mes amis!" France grinned, passing Ivan to Lottie, and then coming over to help me.

"Who is it now?" Tanya asked as we dragged the boxes over to the living room. Everyone crowded around them, Lottie holding Ivan on her shoulders. He was giggling softly as she bounced him up and down carefully.

"Mes amis! Gilbert and Antonio!" Francis laughed excitedly. Wow. The Frenchie could actually be pretty attractive when he was laughing and not trying to molest people.

I just hoped Ivan wouldn't pick up on his papa's bad habits.

I opened the first manual, which happened to be Gilbert's.

"_**GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: User Guide and Manual**_

_**CONGRATULATIONS! **__You have just purchased your very own GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit! This manual was created in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this pamphlet thoroughly before attempting to operate your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit, as mistreatment may result in an infuriated unit and aching body parts."_

"No one knows _which_ body parts will be aching, though... honhonhon~"

"France-with-No-Pants... Ivan's right here..."

"Heh. France-with-No-Pants."

"Shut UP, Tanya!"

"So." Mae broke the yelling up after reading over my shoulder. "Do you think we have a genben!Gilbert? I mean, he's gonna be my older brother. Or sister, if he's genderbent."

"I dunno. We're just gonna have to open the box." I said, shrugging and pushing my artsy glasses back up the bridge of my nose like Kabuto.

"Hey! Stop flipping people off!"

"Mama, why are we around these boxes?" Ivan asked.

"There's people inside them, and we're going to get them out! There's going to be our family."

"Okay, da~"

"Donnez-moi mon fils, s'il vous plait. I'm going to put him upstairs, so mon ami Gilbert won't hurt him." Francis asked, holding his arms out. Ivan imitated the other blonde. Lottie sighed, but handed the Russian off. France held the little boy, tweaking his nose and smiling as he carried him off.

_WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO CUTENESS..._

I coughed loudly and went back to reading the manual.

"YES! He can write! That's awesome! He's gonna be my new editor-"

"...I thought I was your editor..." Tanya sulked.

I smirked at her slightly, but kept reading.

"_**Removal of your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT from Packaging**_

_Due to your unit's volatile, rash nature, removing your unit from his box may prove to be quite the challenge. For your safety, we have provided a list of ways in which to wake him up, as improperly waking him will result in agony for you and all nearby._

_1. Stand next to the box and pour beer on the lid. Your unit will claw his way out and harass you for some beer, and we advise you give it to him if you value your house. After getting his alcohol, he will be very friendly to you._

_2. Set a plate of Austrian apple strudel next to the box, or play piano as well as you can. Your unit will get out carefully, probably in the belief that you are a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit, and will try to ninja-jump you; reprogram him fast enough and he will not try to rape you._

_3. Stand next to the box and say anything in Russian, preferably with the best accent you can manage. Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit will tremble hard enough for the box to shake, and then you can open it and he will cry with joy at the fact that you are not an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit; he will also be very submissive to anything you want. If you would like a defiant unit, stand far, far away - preferably at a distance from which you need a microphone - and call your unit by 'Kaliningrad'. The box lid will fly off and your unit will go into a rage, searching for an IVAN BRAGINSKI; reprogram him quickly to avoid major damage to your house._

_Activate his Gilbird unit. This will automatically awaken your unit and he will chase Gilbird down."_

"This seems oddly boring..." I sighed. Francis returned, giving me an odd look.

"But... ma cherie, c'est GILBERT!" he cried in a dramatic way.

"Hm... I know! YO, BEILSCHMIDT! GET YO' FAT ASS OUT OF THAT THERE BOX!"

There was silence except for a thud as everyone facepalmed simultaneously.

"Beilschmidt! Ass. Out. Of. Box. NOW!"

"Halt's Maul, Frau!" I heard a masculine voice snap at me in German.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever."

"Mon ami, get out of the box." Francis rapped (not raped, RAPPED) on the box with his knuckles.

"Hey, Francis! Where am I?"

"GET OUT OF THE BOX, KALI-"

There was an explosion of wood chips, and the albino Prussian was glaring at me,"WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO CALL ME?"

"CALI-FORNIA GIRL!" I snickered. Gilbert blinked a few times.

"Oh. Okay. Kesesese, what's your name, Frau? You seem awesome, because you yelled at me."

"I'm Nate! And I know that you're the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt! Mein Gott, Beilschmidt is fun to say! BEILSCHMIDT!"

"Damn straight, Frau!"

"Ich bin Mae Schultz." Mae said, smirking slightly at the fact that she knew German.

"I'm Lottie, and this is Tanya." my sister said, stretching her shoulders.

"MON AMI!"

"FRANCIS!"

The two men went as if they were going to glomp each other, but instead carefully did a man hug, patting each other's backs.

"...can I join?" I said, with big eyes.

"Sure, meine Frau!"

"Your woman? But I'm the mother of Francis' child!"

Gilbert gave a hilarious WTF look to Francis who smirked slightly and shook his head,"We have a child by the name of Ivan. He's another unit, like you and myself.."

"Russia?" Prussia choked out.

"Yes... is there a problem?" I hissed, still waiting for my hug.

"Nope." he popped the "P", wrapping his arms around me.

"Yay, hug~"

Francis sighed, and went back upstairs to check on Ivan.

"When should we open Antonio?" Gilbert asked, still hugging me.

"I dunno." I muttered, pressing my face into his chest. He was really comfortable to lean on. "Gil, you're really awesome to lean on."

"Kesesese~"

"Right. I say we save Antonio for later."

"But!" Tanya complained.

"Next chapter, then. I want to keep hugging Gil."

"...hold on. Chapter?"


	4. Spain

Thank you, those of you who are still sticking with this story for whatever reason! It's likely to be updated sporadically, because I fail like that. This is written with the help of Katarina Wolffe, one of my real life bromances! XD

Songs for Intense Inspiration: Embrace The Tres Bien Moi, Midnight Beast Parody of Tik Tok

I was still hugging Gilbert, and it was the next chapter.

Sighing, I forcibly extricated myself away from what was probably the most awesome hug I had ever gotten in my life. Seriously. Gilbert didn't hug too gently or too tightly, and he was just tall enough so that I could slump against him and he would hold up all of my weight comfortably.

…and he smelled really good, but that was just my fangirl.

Tanya tapped her foot against the ground, waiting for me to open the crate. I stared at it for a few moments before giving her the manual.

"Go figure it out. I'm hugging Gilbo again."

"Kesesese~" the albino held his arms out wide for me to wrap my arms around him again. Ahh… relaxation…

France made a whining sound, and then he wrapped his arms around me from behind, crushing my face into Prussia's chest.

"Mmph…" I complained softly, but let Francis hug both Gilbert and me.

There was a peeping noise and Gilbird landed on my head, apparently activated. Aw… he's so cute!

TANYA'S POV

"Well that's just rape-tacular…" I deadpanned, leaning against the wall. The manual had slightly small type, and it was started to irritate me.

As a plus (or minus, depending on how you think), France was starting to groan softly while hugging Nate, and it was friggin' scary. Actually, scratch that. Just France in GENERAL is friggin' scary.

"Hey, Nate, when you're done hugging it out with your newfound bromances, can you had pepper spray to the grocery list?" I asked before going back to reading the manual.

...Hey, don't look at me like that! Better safe than sorry, especially with a Frenchman on the loose!

"Ah, screw this!" I shouted, giving up on the manual without my glasses, throwing it at the trio. "¡España! Quick! Romano isn't wearing any pants! Oh Gawd, that's hot!" I yelled at the box, noticing out of the corner of my eye that Francis was suddenly looking around interestedly, and Nate was snickering.

Silence.

For a second, I feared that my amazing scheme wouldn't work. But, lo and behold, there was a quiet rumbling in the box, and the top popped off.

"Lovino, mi amore, where are you? I've missed you~!" the Spaniard crooned, looking around frantically.

"Sorry, buddy, I'm just shitting you. But pleasure to meet you!" I said, skipping up and waving at him from about 10 inches away.

For lack of anything better to do, Spain waved back.

And I waved back at him.

And he waved back at me.

And… you get the idea.

"Toni, long time no see!" Francis and Gilbert shouted at the same time.

They stared at each other for a second, before Gilbert ran over and knocked on the wall, shouting, "Jinx, you owe me a coke!"

Francis swore quietly in French. Antonio laughed before bro-hugging each of his comrades (and no, not in a communist sense).

"Let me introduce you to these beautiful ladies!" Francis said, before gesturing flamboyantly to Nate.

"This is the lovely Nate, qui parle Francais tres bien, and the mother to my child, Ivan!"

"You mean like… Braginski….?" Spain gulped nervously.

"Yes yes, but il est tres petit, et, mon ami, he's so cute!" France grinned. Spain still looked a little uncomfortable, but nodded nonetheless.

"Pleasure to meet you, amiga~!" Spain exclaimed, energetically shaking Nate's hand before hugging her again. She happily hugged back, bear-hugging the brunet for all her was worth.

"Dude, someone's piling on the hugs today…" I mumbled, snickering.

Nate flipped me off and smirked, "You're just jealous!"

"And over there is the beautiful vixen Mae!" Francis motioned towards Mae, who immediately deadpanned.

"I have a knife in my pocket and access to nitroglycerin. Don't you dare call me 'vixen' again." The tomato-shade blush was already covering her face as she glared at the Frenchie.

Antonio, not knowing of the beloved mad scientist's aversions to 'hugging it out', leapt towards her for a great big glomp, only to come into contact with the top of her foot. She glared pointedly at the wounded Carriedo.

"Eres idioto," she said, attempting to use what knowledge she had gleaned from Google Translate. Ever the language nerd (and lover of the Spanish language), I couldn't pass up the change to an argument.

"Nononono NO! Mae-chan, you're pronouncing it like it's English, or French, or... or... NOT SPANISH!"

Antonio glanced at me, trying to see through his dizziness from being booted in the head.

"See, it's eres idioto. You pronounce eres 'AIR-AYS!' Not "Are" like some Frenchman! ...Or say, like Francis. And then idioto! Don't even get me started on idioto! See, you need to put force behind it! And stress on the right part! Id ee OH-to. See? See? SEE?"

Spain immediately gave me a suffocating glomp that smelled strongly of tomatoes, and quite possibly turtles. Not that I have anything against either of those.

"Yays!" I shouted, hugging him back.

"España es la lengua mejor, ¿sí?" I asked, engaging him in a conversation in Spanish in which I discovered I wasn't quite as fluent as I fancied myself, though I still came out feeling awesome. Like, Prussia-awesome. Except that he would disagree.

"NON! C'EST FRANCAIS! C'EST LA LANGUE D'AMOUR!" Nate yelled dramatically. Francis laughed creepily and hugged her, agreeing loudly in French.

I ignored her, speaking excitedly with Antonio.

When Lottie arrive back from… wherever exactly she had been, no one really knew, she found us having broken out the alcohol, and sharing a few giggles.

...okay, maybe a lot of giggles.

Francis, Gilbert and Antonio were all thoroughly smashed, with Nate and I not far behind.

Ever the reasonable one, Mae drank very little, and was looking at us as though we were all a bunch of lunatics, and all things considered, we really were. Somehow or rather, we had gotten to singing Irish drinking songs and drinking German - or rather, Prussian, as yelled Prussia - beer. Nate was also giggling pervily whenever anyone said anything, and was ignoring whenever Francis surreptitiously groped her.

In an impressive dive that would have seemed impossible to accomplish even if we had been sober, Lottie grabbed the beer can (millionaire or no, we were still drinking beer from a can. Don't blame us.) from Nate's hand, and landed laying across the writer and I.

"Ow…." Nate moaned pitifully, staring sadly at her empty hand as she was being crushed by her sister.

"DON'T YOU DARE EVER DRINK WITHOUT ME AGAIN- oh, hi!" Lottie waved at Spain and Prussia, who she hadn't met yet. Obviously.

"...I like this one already," Prussia deadpanned, eliciting laughter from the rest of us.

After due introductions were made, we spent the rest of the night drinking and making fun of our dear ever-sober Mae, until she left to clean up some explosions from earlier in the day and give Ivan some company so he didn't come down to his two drunken "parents".

"What should we do with a drunken sailor,

what should we do with a drunken sailor,

what should we do with a drunken sailor,

early in the morning!" we sang raucously in our closest approximations to Irish brogues. Which, I'll have you know, sounding very amusing coming from a zozzled Frenchman, German (ahem, Prussian) and a Spaniard.

Hehehe. Zozzled.

THE NEXT MORNING, NPOV

Poke.

I groaned quietly, curling further into a little ball on a comfortable pillow.

Poke.

"Mmmfuckingpoke..."

Poke poke.

"L-liebling...? As much as I love having a pretty Frau on me, would you mind getting off me?"

I snapped awake and screamed shrilly, jumping backwards and landing on France, who proceeded to grab me around the waist and use ME as a pillow.

"Autsch... my head..." Gilbert complained, holding his temples and giving me a depressed look.

"...Gil?"

"Ja, it's me."

"Why the fuck does my head hurt so muuuuch?" I whined, absently petting Francis' head. He curled up further, sliding his head down until it was dangerously low on my form.

Normally, I would have stopped him, but he just looked so adorable asleep-

Until I felt his hand slowly sliding down my thigh. Then, I got him the hell off of me. I am NOT getting molested unless I stated I wanted to be molested.

"Ow... pourquoi, ma cherie?" he whined, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. I winced, telling him to keep his voice down.

"Aspirin, anyone?" Lottie asked, handing out the little tablets that would make our headaches go away.

Gilbert swallowed his dry in one go, as did Francis.

I stared at them and tried to mimic, but ended up choking and drinking a glass of water to swallow the pill.

"Aw, look at Tanya and Spain..." Lottie snickered, poking the Spaniard with her foot.

He snorted quietly,"Un minuto, por favore..."

"Toni. Get up. It's... damn, it's only nine o'clock!" Prussia complained.

"Piyo! Piyo!"

"GILBIRD!" Gilbert's entire face lit up as his fuzzy companion flew and landed on his shoulder. "I missed you, little buddy!"

Antonio then grabbed onto Tanya,"Mi tomate..."

"Owies... I'm Tanya, not Romano..."

"Ah! Lo siento, Tanya!" he gasped, rolling backwards and hitting into France, who let out an oof.

We all giggled quietly, seeing how many beer cans were strewn across the floor.

"...Nate, why do you have condoms on your fingers?"

"BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT COLORS AND FLAVOURS~!"

"Ooh la la! Can I try one, ma cherie?" Francis got up, tugging at the hem of my shirt.

I nodded, pulling one off my finger and giving it to him. I then proceeded to have a nosebleed as he licked it slowly after putting it on his finger.

"Le chocolat~"

"Na-ate! You're getting blood all over the carpet!"

"Sorry... sorry..." I muttered, pinching my nose and tilting my head up. Gilbert got me a paper towel and helped me clean up.

"Thanks, bro." I grinned.

"No problem~"

"Someone clean up while I get Mae and Ivan. I don't want to mind-scar the poor boy as much as possible-"

"That was rather idiotic of us, to get totally wasted with my nephew upstairs..." Lottie muttered, looking sheepish.

"Hahahaha! You admitted it!"

She bitchslapped me. I hid behind Antonio, whimpering and clutching at my abused cheek.

"Ma cherie, I shall kiss it better~"

"Nuuu!" I ran away from the blonde, dragging Spain upstairs with me. Francis' "honhonhon" echoed all the way up to Ivan's room.

"Mama~" the violet-eyed boy chirped, looking chipper.

"Ivan, this is Antonio. He's going to be... er... your brother!"

I internally thanked Antonio as he cocked his head sideways, staring at the little Russia with interest, and then gave him his usual bright, slightly dopey smile,"Hola~"

I left those two to bond a little as I found Mae, who appeared to be snoozing on the floor, arms wrapped around a checkered pillow. I nudged her with my foot a couple of times, and got her to raise her head.

"Breakfast's gonna be soon."

"Oh..."

When I got back downstairs, it was already pristine again, and Francis and Gilbert were both sulking. Tanya had fallen back asleep, using a beer can as a pillow, this time.

"So... how 'bout them Yankees..."

"Gilbert, here's Ivan!"

The albino gave a rather astonished and somewhat hostile glare to my son, who whimpered and hid his face in Antonio's neck.

The Spaniard gave the other man a stern look,"You scared him. Mi amigo, he's just a kid."

"Oh..." Gilbert blinked a few times, ignoring my angered hissing at how he freaked out Ivan, and then gave a semi-apologetic grin,"Sorry, kid."

"A-are you going to e-eat me?" Poor Ivan sounded absolutely petrified, and I was torn between laughing quietly or glomping him.

A very slight smile tugged at the Prussian's lips,"Nein, I won't eat you. You're too skinny, now, anyways."

" *meep *"

"Gilbert!"

"Sorry, sorry! I won't eat you, Ivan. I'm too awesome to resort to cannibalism."

"Mon fils~"

"Papa!"

Francis took Ivan out of Antonio's arms, hugging the small child,"Nous ressemblons, non?" he laughed, pressing his face close to the little Russian's and smiling broadly.

"No, he looks more like su madre bella." Antonio winked lazily at me, making me blush and for Francis to frown at his friend, wrapping a possessive arm around my waist while supporting Ivan with the other.

"Oh la la~ Gracias, señor~"

"That's all the Spanish she knows, and I'm pretty sure that first part is French." Tanya cut in, daggers in her eyes towards me.

Spain grinned good-naturedly, and then it turned much more sultry as he repeated that overly sexy wink to the other woman,"¡Eh, señorita bella! ¡Tu español es magnífico, al igual que tu cuerpo!"

Tanya blushed bright red and muttered something in Spanish that made Antonio grin widely.

While that exchange was occurring, Francis was surreptitiously dragging me closer to him.

"Tes yeux sont comme deux etoiles dans le ciel nocturne, ma cherie..."

I blinked a few times, and then gave him a smile,"Merci beaucoup~ tu es tres mignon."

...what? I wasn't about to turn down attention from a hot French guy!

Francis grinned, apparently feeling self-assured of his charms as I patted his cheek and slipped out of his grip.

"Well, then. Time for breakfast!"

"BREAKFAST!"


	5. Mister Fishie!

**I'm sorry for the long wait, loves! I hope this chapter is good! I have a new fanfiction up, and I think it's funny. Tee hee~ Go reads.**

**THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS. THEY'RE LOVELY.**

**Songs for Intense Inspiration: Ohne Dich by Rammstein, Pub and Go! (England's character song~)**

We all sat around the table, silently eating our pancakes. They were very good pancakes, with chocolate chips and blueberries and bacon (although, sadly, not in the same pancake).

Mae was fiddling with something under the table, and no one really had the heart to take it out of her hands and force her to eat.

I was sitting next to Francis, who had Ivan on his lap and was feeding him bites of syrup-covered pancake.

Gilbert caught Lottie's eye and winked at her in a rather flirtacious fashion.

That's when all hell broke loose.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WINKING AT ME, YOU ALBINO BASTARD?"

"MEIN GOTT, I'M JUST BEING FRIENDLY!"

Lottie snarled at him,"MAYBE I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE FRIENDLY!"

"WHY ARE YOU GUYS FREAKING OUT?"

They ignored us. I pouted.

"WHO WOULDN'T WANT THE AWESOME ME TO BE FRIENDLY TO THEM?"

"ME, THAT'S WHO!"

"OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY JEALOUS OF THE AWESOME-"

"Gil…" Spain sighed, looking uncomfortable, even for one who couldn't read the atmosphere worth crap.

"Was? What am I doing?" the albino barked aggressively.

Spain pointed with his fork over to me and Francis.

We were both giving Lottie death glares, neither of us really wanting to chastise _notre ami_ Gilbert. Francis was pointedly covering Ivan's ears. The little Russian boy looked rather freaked out, his violet eyes widened and clutching onto Francis' sleeve.

"Look what you've done…" I growled out, grabbing Ivan from Francis and cuddling him protectively. _My son- dammit… not again… fucking maternal instincts…_

Both Gilbert and Lottie gave us apologetic looks.

"Apology?"

"Sorry…" they both sighed, sitting down again and starting to eat.

Francis tugged at my arm, so I turned to ask him what he was doing.

"Wha- MY GOD!" his face was entirely too close to my own. I screamed and fell backwards, Francis luckily catching Ivan just in time.

"_Desolate_, ma cherie. I was going to ask for Ivan back~"

"YOU SLY FROG, YOU KNEW THAT I WAS GOING TO FALL OVER."

"Honhonhon~" he chuckled, hugging Ivan as I glared and got back onto my chair.

I fell off again a second later when Mae yelled a curse word that she rarely used, and there was a loud explosion from upstairs.

Lottie blinked.

Gilbert coughed quietly.

"STOP THAT COUGHING, YOU BASTARD-"

"STFU, BITCH-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Tanya yelled, slamming her hands down onto the table.

Gilbert and Lottie stared at the artist in fear and awe before sitting back down and edging away from her fury.

"Hehehe, that actually worked!" Tanya snickered before stealing a bite of pancake from Spain's plate. The Spaniard pouted, but let her take it.

"So, Mae-chan, what was that?" I asked conversationally, taking a bite of bacon.

The other girl's forehead was almost touching the table as she drooped in emo sadness. "That was Mister Fishie's tank…"

"MISTER FISHIE!" I screamed in grief, jumping up and running to Mae's room.

Mister Fishie was a goldfish.

But he wasn't just any goldfish! He was a pretty one, and very big and orange! He had changed colours, from black to orange! I loved that fish!

I sobbed over the shredded fins and tissue of what used to be Mister Fishie.

Francis patted my shoulder awkwardly, trying to find words to console my intense depths of sadness.

"Aw, it's okay, Frau, I'm sure he's in a better place-"

"Stop comforting my sister, you asshole!"

"I'm her brover, it's a necessity!"

"Brover? BROVER? Is that even a word?"

"Of course it is, dunkopf! It's a mix of Bro, brother, and lover! WE HAVE A BROMANCE! BROVER!"

"I'm her sister! Only I'm allowed to say cheesy shit to her!"

Spain hurriedly closed the door to their slowly louder hissing argument. I vaguely wondered why they were suddenly so argumentative.

"Oh, Mister Fishie… I'll miss your cute fishy face…"

"…Mama? Why are you crying? I'll protect you, I swear!" Ivan hugged me, his childish face troubled.

If that wasn't cute, nothing was.

I sniffed and hugged him back, putting my face in his hair. "Thank you, Ivan."

…I could see where he got his Yandere tendencies from, though…

"Ma cherie, don't feel so bad about the fish. We can buy another-"

"NO FISH CAN BE AS AWESOME AS MY FISHIE!"

"D'accord, d'accord," Francis sighed.

"Now hold me, dammit." I wrapped my arms around Francis and went limp. He coughed, and then hugged me tightly. Ivan crawled in between us and shared the love.

Mae leaned over the dead body of the fish, shaking her head in sadness.

Fifteen minutes later, we were all dressed in black and standing over the toilet. I dabbed my eyes with a doily and Francis wrapped a sympathetic arm around my waist that I was pretending didn't exist.

Mae was giving Mister Fishie the last rites. "Nate? Is there anything you'd like to say?"

"M-mister Fishie w-was the best fish anyone could ever haaaaave!" I sniffled, glomping Francis again.

…what? I totally wasn't hugging him to molest him or anything! That's absurd!

…okay, maybe just a little bit. But Ivan was there, so I toned it down. Hmph.

"Rest in peace, Mister Fishie," Mae said solemnly.

She pulled the lever, and Mister Fishie went down in a cloud of toilet paper and bubbles.

I bawled into Francis' totally-not-sexy chest. He sighed, stroking my hair.

Spain was the first one to break the silence. "Er… Tanya, do you have any tomatoes?"

"Si~" she lead him to the kitchen, probably to either make out with him or actually give him tomatoes.

Gilbert patted my shoulder. "I'll get ice cream, ja?"

"D-danke…"

He snickered and left.

Lottie left afted a death-glare to Francis ("You touch my sister, and you're dead and without a home, Francis.").

Mae had disappeared, and I heard the gloomy sound of Taps being played on trombone.

That left Francis, Ivan, and I.

Hehehe, that sounded like some bad song or poem. Francis, Ivan and I.

"Nana, why is Mama so sad?" Ivan asked, giving Francis big eyes.

"_Son poisson-rouge est morte."_ he said, shaking his head.

"What's that mean?"

"Her fish went to another place…" Francis said, suddenly paying much more attention to me.

"What place?"

"Euh… Heaven…?"

"Okay!" Ivan went back to hugging.


	6. Monsieur Douche

**And here is the next installment! Er, I have school starting very soon (private schools friggin' win with their late entrances to the school year and early exits) so my updates will be even more increasingly sporadic... yeah... sorry 'bout that.**

**Who would you like to see next? I can have Alfred, or Arthur, or I can introduce some "prototype" characters, like Ludwig~**

**Yes, this is going to be chock full of characters. No need to mock.**

**And, I'm experimenting with page breaks. If they don't show up, I'll cry.**

**Also, CelestialMacabre, I'd love it if you can point out where my French is wrong. I'm learning it in real life, so it'd be great to know what I'm doing wrong, so I can fix it. I try to stay away from Google Translate as much as possible (and succeed, usually! If I'm not sure about something, I might copy-paste my own sentences to see if they translate okay back into English). If it's accents, I KNOW THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE AN ACCENT GRAVE ON OU (of course, when it's supposed to mean where, not or) AND THINGS LIKE THAT *intense guilt *! Er... oui, merci beaucoup~**

**Songs for Intense Inspiration:**

** Love The Way You Lie by Rihanna**

**Parlez-vous Francais by Art vs. Science (Oh, the irony)**

**Norwegian Lovesong by Leaves' Eyes**

**King Of The World by Porcelain and the Tramps**

**My Heart is Broken by Evanescence**

**How's that for genre swap?**

I sniffed a few times, and inhaled the distinct scent of brownies.

"OH MY GAWD, BROWNIES!" all sadness to Mister Fishie's death went straight away as I dragged Francis and Ivan for brownies.

"Ma cherie… "

"Mama, what time is it?"

I smiled at Ivan, completely ignoring Francis' sweatdrop. "It's ten forty-seven, according to that clock right over there. Although, it might be a few minutes off…"

"Kesesese, my awesome Gilbird says that it's ten forty-nine."

"Piyo! Piyo!"

"…he said something inappropriate about your legs, Frau. Just so you know." Gilbert added, glaring at his bird. "That's MEINE Frau you're talking about."

"Non, elle est MA femme!" Francis disagreed loudly. Gilbert rolled his eyes at the possessive Frenchman.

"Brownies are ready!" Lottie announced, popping out of nowhere.

I ran to the kitchen, taking Ivan with me as we got delicious brownies.

The death of Mister Fishie, just recurring in my mind again, was helped by the yummy-ness of fudge brownies.

Ivan was giggling as he ate his brownie. "I never had these before~"

"Have another, then!" Lottie smiled at her nephew.

I mean, adopted nephew person. Right.

Ivan gladly took another brownie.

Francis came out of the kitchen, walking carefully as his arms were full of glasses of milk.

"…I love you so much right now." I deadpanned, snagging two of the glasses for Ivan and myself. Milk was wonderful.

Gilbert ambled over to the table, and reached for a brownie.

STAB.

"AUTSCH! MUTTERFICKER- DU SCHLAMPE!"

Of course. How didn't I know?

Lottie had stabbed Gilbert in the hand with a fork, and he was now bleeding sparkles.

The albino death glared, clutching his hand to his chest.

"Whoa, mi amigo, you're bleeding sparkles!" Antonio announced loudly and rather unnecessarily.

Tanya screamed loudly,"STAY AWAY FROM ME, EDWARD CULLEN!" I vaguely heard Mae muttering something about Edward Cullen not BLEEDING sparkles, but just sparkling in the sun, but decided to ignore it, because it was too weird that our Mae-chan would EVER know such things about blatant mainstream pop culture books.

"Hehehe… shall I stab him again, to see what happens?" Lottie asked, giggling evilly.

I backed up, pulling both Ivan and Gilbert with me to hide behind Francis.

"I'm not Edward Whatsitsface, bitch." Gilbert pouted, holding his injured hand.

"Honestly, Lottie, what the crap?" I asked her from above Francis' shoulder.

"He's going to cost me SO MUCH EXTRA, from food and beer and lodgings… oooh, it makes my blood boil.." the millionaire shivered in rage, glaring at Gilbert.

"…what about me, Ivan and Francis?" Antonio asked idiotically.

Tanya made desperate shut-up motions with her hands, shaking her head wildly, but it was too late for the dreamy Spaniard.

"Good point… I'll keep Ivan, and possibly Francis, because he needs a dad, and I might keep you, because Tanya likes you, but one wrong move…" she made a motion as if to cut her own throat with her hand.

Antonio's hand immediately jumped to his own jugular as he started smiling sweetly. "Fusosososo…"

"Aw!" Tanya glomped him, knocking the brunet to the ground.

Gilbert took the distraction to quickly grab a brownie. Lottie smashed the fork into the table, just barely missing the other's hand. Gilbert laughed condescendingly before getting tripped by Ivan, who smiled at him sweetly.

"Heh, that's my nephew." Lottie grinned widely as I scooped Ivan up again to protect him from the albino's wrath.

"So, what shall we do today?" Mae asked, having changed into lighter clothing. She wore a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans.

"I dunno. I found Espana's tomato unit, though." Tanya offered, holding said unit up.

"MI TOMATE!"

"…dude…" Gilbert commented, staring at the awkward way Antonio was rubbing his cheek against the red tomato.

I leaned over to Mae, needing to tell her something. "I need to go take a shower. Keep Francis downstairs NO MATTER WHAT."

She went green at the implications and nodded, so I walked upstairs.

"Ma cherie, ou est-"

"So, Francis, lovely weather we're having, um…" Mae said, jumping in front of him.

My shower was fairly uneventful, except for once instance when I dropped the soap. As I stepped out, a towel wrapped around me, just what I expected happened.

"NATE, MON ANGE- Ooh la la~"

"GET. THE FUCK. OUT."

I plopped myself down on the couch, absently picking at my nails. They were painted silver and really shiny.

Tanya snorted and shifted away from my fascinated stares and the way I started wiggling my fingers.

After a few minutes of this, I heard Lottie's loud yell. "Freeloaders- I mean, friends! It is time for us to conjoin and- oh, screw it. Get yo' asses over here, we're having a meeting."

Everyone sweatdropped, but we all moved to the dining room. I checked around the room, and Antonio was next to Ivan. Good. He wouldn't get mind-scarred.

"Everyone here? Is the France-With-No-Pants creepily close to Nate? Yes? Okay, let's start!" Lottie rubbed her hands together eagerly, smirking. She was holding a giant stack of papers. "It has come to my attention that we have four new boarders and might get even more-" cue death glare at me.

"So! Here are your schedules for showers, use of the bathroom, TV, computers, etc etc etc-"

"I OBJECT!" I yelled loudly, slamming my fist onto the table and standing up.

"FUCK YOU!"

"NO, FUCK _YOU_!"

"BOTH OF YOU, GET FUCKED!"

We both glared at Gilbert before I avoided Francis' creeping hands and continued. "I object because we all know that you're gonna give me the least amount of shower time and at the worst goddamn times!"

"Yeah. Suck it up."

I gasped, and sat down.

"_You can always share my shower time~"_

"Shut UP, Francis!" I glared, and then snickered slightly at the injured look on his face and Lottie's face of disgust. _Hehehe._

"Why does shower time matter so much to everyone?"

"Because you have to be clean and smell nice, Vanya! It's an important part of being a person!"

"Ivan gets the most shower time, anyways. He's going to get me the most money, anyways."

"..."

We all stared at Lottie, horrified.

She blinked a few times, confused at why we were giving her looks as though she had boiled a sack of kittens and then force-fed them to a puppy, who she then killed and gave to a homeless person in the guise of a sandwich.

Realization in three... two... one...

"Jesus H. Christ! WHY DO YOU GUYS THINK THAT I WOULD... I WOULD... YOU KNOW!" she yelled.

Ivan blinked a few times, happily oblivious as I hugged him close to me in relief.

"Dear God... you had me scared for a few seconds..." Tanya sighed.

Mae nodded. Even she had gotten that one.

"I still object, though." I sighed.

"Me, too. I probably don't even have a shower time." Gilbert snorted.

Lottie turned surprised eyes onto him,"How'd you guess?"


End file.
